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Tuesday, March 28, 2006

On the Down Low, Tha dl, Tha low; Tha down low...

Definition: A man who discreetly has sex with other men while in a sexual relationship with a woman (CHEATING) is considered on the "down low" or "dl" for short. Often these men do not consider themselves gay or bisexual and their female partners have NO idea they have sex with other men, thus the term "down low" or "in hiding."

We live in the great city of Atlanta, GA, which for some reason is becoming the "flagship" area for Men on the Down low... This subject has become a much talked about one in this area of the Bible Belt. Tonight I had a chance to watch part of a compelling Documentary on Black Entertainment Television (BET) about... this very subject. It was actually a well put together piece of Journalism, primarily focused on the effects of this in Society today.

A couple of things which I immediately noticed about this documentary, was that it was primarily focused on the Black/African American Community... It really did raise several questions such as: Does this go on in White communities or communites of other races? What is this proclivity of the Men Cheating instead of leaving their spouse or significant other? Why put the one you care for at so much risk?

The show also showcased as a sort of anchor to the documentary J.L. King Author of On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of "Straight" Black Men Who Sleep with Men, who argueably was the first to break this "On the Down Low" phenomenon onto the scene on the Oprah Winfrey Show A SECRET SEX WORLD: LIVING ON THE "DOWN LOW".

Here are some of his thoughts:
"Why do I have to label myself to make you comfortable? …The act of the sex is homosexuality, but I don't want to get caught up in the whole gay culture, because the media and people look at gay people as being less than a man [in the black community]. The media has let white gay people feel more comfortable in their skin and it's accepted. The greatest taboo is to be black and homosexual, and I refuse to be labeled and classified that folks will look at me as something different. I am a man."

YEAH RIGHT!!! What kind of "Man" might you be??? Cheating on you Wife with other "Men" and don't stop there, he does not even do the "Manly" thing of leaving his wife, or telling her he is GAY, and possibly averting an even worse situation of possibly transmitting disease. I really can't see how he would call himself 1.) A Man and 2.) Not GAY???? And he tries to act like it's the fault of the "media" he is labeled in a negative manner!!! Well, let's not make this any more obvious, you put yourself in that situation, so you made the name for yourself. If you proport to call yourself a "MAN" then be one, don't just pretend to be a "MAN" and act like a "WOMAN"!!!

I can't stand this "I'm a victim" CRAP... I don't care where you stand, it's stinks from every angle!!!

-Jim

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

How to prevent the man you love from not being that into you anymore

In this article, I’d like to address the situation that some couple experience which is when “HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU ANYMORE.”

If you come from the principle of personal development and believe that “For you life to change, you’ve got to change. And for your life to get better, you’ve got to get better,” here are some helpful tips on how to prevent the man you love from not being that into you anymore:

1. STAY ATTRACTIVE IN THE SAME WAY THAT GOT YOU THERE

In competitive sports, there is a phrase that reads, “Go with what got you there.” In romantic love relationship, it is equally important to appeal in the same way that attracted love into your life in the first place. That means to take good care of your appearance, be warm and receptive like in your courting time, and remember be thoughtful and considerate like you both were in the beginning.

2. PREVENT RESENTMENT FROM BUILDING UP

The effect of negative emotions in a relationship is that fair and unfair resentment towards your mate starts to accumulate. With this understand, you must do everything possible to make sure that the negatives are isolated or are properly attributed to the correct source.

2. DON’T BE THE CONSTANT MESSENGER OF BAD NEWS

One easy way to develop a negative association is to be the constant messenger of bad news. The old adage reads: Don’t kill the messenger, but that’s what people naturally do. Counter-balance this by also being the messenger to good news, too.

3. DON’T CRITICIZE, COMPLAIN, OR CONDEMN

There is a natural tendency to compare and contrast things that happen in our lives. But the more enlightened approach when it comes to relationships is to do this in a positive way instead of a negative one. While you may be perfectly justified in your complaint or criticism, it tends to bring other people down besides yourself. In time others will start to avoid you or else you’ll only attract other negative people. In that habitual emotional state, you’ll be in too lousy a mood to notice the good things as they happen.

5. MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONAL UPSETS

You must save your battles for important issues. Don’t let small things throw you off. Only have legitimate concerns if a hurtful act was: 1) intentional, 2) inappropriate, and 3) excessive. Otherwise, you’ll upset yourself and other people too much of the time.

6. GIVE SINCERE APPRECIATION

The most basic principle in good human relations is that other people want to feel important. You can do this by showing sincere appreciation along with giving the other person your full attention, compassion, and understanding. As simple as this may sound, few people practice this regularly in their everyday life.

7. KEEP THE RELATIONSHIP FRESH WITH NEW TWISTS

Boredom is one of the obstacles that people encounter in their love relationships. It takes focus and creativity in order to prevent your partner from losing interest and taking their partner for granted. This isn’t a difficult or cumbersome task if you have an assortment of good friends to bounce ideas around with.

8. GET HONEST AND ACCURATE FEEDBACK

Perhaps the most important thing that you can do with any relationship strategy, is to periodically determine if something is working or not working. You need to find out what is great in your relationship and also what isn’t so perfect yet. While polite answers may make you feel good in the short-term, getting the real story will serve you better in the long-run so that you can make the proper adjustments. Action and feedback go together in order to reach excellence in your love relationships.

9. LAUGH, PLAY, DANCE, AND HAVE FUN AGAIN.

Sometimes you just need the simplicity of feeling good again. Emotions drive our lives and the best way to stir up your emotions is with motion….changes in physiology. While there is an appropriate time to WORK on your relationship, there is also a desperate need to revitalize it with PLAY.

* THE BOTTOM LINE

Your dream of never-ending love can become your reality with the proper awareness, tools, and actions. Like everything of lasting value in life, this is something that is earned with practice and purpose. People rarely luck out when it comes to making love last.

Note: Also realize that bad sex early can put an immediate end to a budding romance. 'Five Minutes to Orgasm Every Time You Make Love: Female Orgasm Made Simple'

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Steve Nakamoto is the author of the award-winning 'Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching a Man'. Steve is a former human relations instructor for Dale Carnegie & Associates and NLP personal development trainer for motivational expert Tony Robbins. He has appeared on over 220 radio and TV talk shows including NBC’s The Other Half. Steve currently serves as the dating/relationship expert on iVillage.com’s “Ask Mr. Answer Man” online message board.

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7 Common signs of Cheating?

I came upon a list of 7 common signs of cheating... but I know this list by no means scratches the surface of what people could realistically look for. Or could 7 be the magic number?
So I ask you, What are the signs that you partner is Cheating?

What I found:

Here are some of the common signs that your partner is cheating:

1.working late a lot
2.suddenly taking trips you can't go on
3.new hobbies that don't include you
4.mysterious phone calls with hang-ups
5.credit card bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items
6.less sex
7.your partner is acting more distant, angry or picky


Comments below, give us some more!

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

When you think your partner is cheating

I recently came across an article by Dr. Diana Kirschner, a noted psychologist & love expert, Author of Opening Love’s Door: The Seven Lessons.

I really believe she hit some good points with what she wrote, its kind of gutsy in my opinion but it might work in some situations:

Twenty-five percent of married men and 15% of married women cheat on their partners according to a University of Chicago study. And the older they are, the more likely it is that they have had at least one affair.

But the good news is that there are plenty of couples who weather an affair & actually improve their relationship. Why? When you face loss, love can grow.

Here are four steps you can take when you think your partner is cheating:
1. You need to empower yourself and knowledge gives you power. Begin by asking your partner straight out. Be cool and watch the way he/she acts. Your partner may look away, change the topic, bite their nails, or give one of two favorite defensive responses: act like a victim, saying something like, "How could you say that after I’ve been so good to you?" Or your partner may get angry & may even accuse you of cheating. These are all signs of an affair.

Of course, if you're the jealous type or you've been cheated on in the past, your jealousy may not be based on what is really happening in your current relationship. In that case you need to work on your own issues.

2. If things don’t feel right, trust your gut instinct and find out the truth. If you're married or living together, make sure you know where all the money is--check the various bank accounts and other assets to protect yourself and see if there've been any unusual withdrawals. Go through the joint credit cards looking for hotel or other mysterious charges; look at the phone bills; go to where your partner is supposed to be--show up when he/she is 'working late' or 'playing poker.' If you suspect a certain person may be the mystery lover, go to their house and look for your partner’s car outside.

3. Assuming it is safe, get your courage up and present the evidence to your partner. Get him/her to tell you as much of the details about the affair as possible. Research has shown that cheaters who tell their partners the full details are more likely to save their relationships.

4. After the sordid details are all out in the open and the relationship hangs in the balance, you need to make the hard decision. Do you want to be revengeful and end it all or do you want to make it work? Coming face to face with the loss of a relationship can help people mature fast--many times the cheater can become a new man who is truly remorseful and wants to make it up to you. This is a good time for both of you to start therapy.

In some cases your partner may want out or he/she may not be willing to change. If so, you may have to leave. You can use the pain and anger as fuel to create a new life for yourself. Many people have. The best revenge is by having a great life!

Take a real look at what’s going to make you happy. Do you want to create a loving monogamous relationship for yourself? If you fully commit to this goal and your partner is remorseful and wants to make it up to you, the crisis can slowly become an opportunity. After he/she stops the affair, both of you need to continue working together as a couple. If you do, odds are the relationship will not only survive, it will get better. If you'd like to see a video clip of Diane Sawyer interviewing me on this topic, go to my website, Opening Loves Door.

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the Infidelity Video

I really liked this video, it's simple but says alot about real situations, the feelings and consequences of decisions. It's titled "Infidelity In Equal Parts" from the Film Makers Alliance, Directed by: Jacques Thelemaque.


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About Why We Cheat ?!?!

About Why We Cheat?!?!

Welcome to Why We Cheat – the blog that asks the question which is on some of our minds.

We are comprised of a group of three individuals Roger, David, and Jim. A couple of weeks ago just sitting around we got to talking about the subject of Cheating, Infidelity, that whole thing, and found out that David had just recently seen the ,now popular, television show Cheaters. He was actually under the impression it was in it’s second season. But little did he know... that it has been in syndication for much longer. Cheaters has even been through two hosts, one of which was stabbed, while boarding a boat to catch a Cheater (which was very stupid, but that another conversation.

Anywho, we pounced on the question, Why do people Cheat ?!?!, a question which opened up a whole can of worms. Why do people cheat? Is it that they fall out of Love? Were they really in Love in the first place. Some might even say “if you fall in Love, you’ll fall right back out…”

Why do we cheat? What is the peoples story of infidelity, of Private Investigators, of Broken Hearts, of Disfunctional Marriages, of Dishonesty…

In comes the idea for this Blog. We wanted to capture all of the voices, and thoughts of all of you, so we brainstormed and came up with what you see at the top right of the page, a toll-free number to call, so you can tell us you stories, and thoughts, on Infidelity, Cheating, Marriage, Divorce. We really wanted to create a two-way dialogue so that everyone can heare the experiences and thoughts of the people.

So feel free to call in as much as you like, to offer advice, a story, signs to look for, whatever you have to say on the subject of Why We Cheat?!?!

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